Think Better Thoughts

 What does that mean?

A while ago, I decided that I deserved better. Well, actually, I discovered. How I got to this point is a long story, one that is not filled with common sense from the point of view of a normal person because those three little words are part of common sense, but not lived as such.

I always thought that my life was going to be lived as “designed” by the powers that decided everything else. For example, my father.

It made sense. He decided what I would study in college, no questions asked, not to me anyway; he was the one paying, and I lived under his roof, so he decided. I had no say in the matter.

After a period of revolting against the idea, and living a double life which was exciting, but exhausting, I settled down and decided to follow the orders and give up. I became numb.

With the decision to give up, a dark period started for me: I became angry.

Not only angry but vengeful. Not only did I give up on my family and academic life, but all around. The “friends” that I had, were not my friends, at least not the ones from the Scouts. I was simply existing, wasting time, waiting for an early grave, which never came. Self-destruction became my second nature. It wasn’t pretty to see, and I was invisible.

It was the 90s, so Linking Park became my soulmates, along with bands such as Disturbed, Korn, Metallica, Slip Knot (My Plague), etc.

Unbeknownst to me, I was still fighting and living a secret life; I didn’t realize that I wasn’t made to go quiet into the night. From the outside, my life looked like this:

Get up really early, go to college, get back at 10:30 or 11:00 at night, go to sleep, on Saturdays go to the Scouts, and on Sundays, lunch with the family, visit the cemetery in the afternoon and disappear somewhere in the house for the rest of the day.

The reality looked more like this:

Try to get up really early, usually unsuccessfully, then hide in the closet with the door closed until Dad goes to work. Get breakfast, go to college, attend whatever class is available, try my best, usually fail to accomplish a passing grade, and tutor a few classmates in whatever class nobody could understand at that point in the semester, all in exchange for food. Get to more classes until 8 pm, then leave college with a group of guys to go play Starcraft for a couple of hours, and finally hurry home.

Saturdays, were a personal torture because I was bullied, but I didn’t quit because “I was responsible,” and in the motto of all bullied people: I wanted to belong.

Sundays were another torture because the family lunches were designed so Heque could bully everybody under the disguise of “fun.” I used to volunteer to wash dishes, so I could be alone, then disappear into the computer, then dinner, and finally to sleep.

I did this from 2002 to 2006. The only notable difference between them was the extra layer of vigilance that a certain ex-boyfriend provided from 2004 to 2006.

In 2006, I was able to break up with him; by that time, all the resistance and adventure sides of me were dead. I was so used to being bullied and abused that when I got a job, I became a workaholic. I also learned to get along with Dad, but before I could show him all the real me, he died.

At the time, he was the only person who loved me.

Getting bullied, yelled at, and abused led me to take over Dad’s work until I became so broke, I had to quit.

Deciding that I deserve better came to me after much soul searching, countless nights and days of forgiving myself for giving up on me, and forgiving all the people who did me wrong in one way or another.

I had to remember, and in a way, re-live my life through all my decisions and those made for me that I had to live by. It wasn’t easy, it was painful because the first time I lived through those things, I was already numb, but the second time, all the emotions exploded around me. I was angry again, sad, conflicted, and suicidal.

All the emotions and feelings that I didn’t allow myself to feel for so long made themselves present in me in a very short period. It was overwhelming especially because while I was trying to make sense of it all, I was also trying to make a living by reinventing myself.

Although I initially wanted to go back to Customer Service, the thought of lying to people made me sick, and walking around the city trying to sell drill bits was simply too much for my legs and personal safety.

I’m not sure where I am in the “Great Reinvention of Myself,” I know that one month ago, I decided that I deserve better; I know that deciding that for myself meant that every choice I made from then on had to reflect that, and that it was challenging because I was so used to dismissing myself, choosing the leftovers, or simply overlooking myself.

I do know a few things now: 1. I am a writer; 2. I have a book published on Amazon; 3. I am recognized as a writer on Amazon; 4. I am a Beta Reader and Book Reviewer; and 5. Wherever my life takes me, it is now my life and I like it because finally, after 47 years I am choosing to be a writer, and that is something I started in secret when I was in grade school, but never really admitted to myself or anybody else.

It is now up to me, to think better thoughts, I owe that to myself; I’m learning to love myself for who I am, and nobody can now tell me not to. I write for myself, and I love it!